Big Dog's Lark Program

BIG DOG’s LARK Program
Thursday Humor

Recently at Lost Adam’s Big Dog suggested a program where the people calling for the release of detainees at Club Gitmo would sponsor one of them and be responsible for that person’s behavior. Of course, if the detainee caused a problem the sponsor would have to suffer the same punishment the detainee received. Amazingly, there were no takers from the folks who think we are obligated to participate in some kind of terrorist catch and release program.

Big Dog received the below email earlier and while it has been around for a while, Big Dog shared it with his readership at his weblog. Bos’un liked the post and thought it appropriate to pass it on to you.

So, here it is compliments of Big Dog. Remember this came from Big Dog’s Web Log. Please visit Big Dog’s Web Log and let him know how much you appreciate his post and tell him The Bos'un sent you.

Respectfully
Bos’un

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You’ll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the “Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers” program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his “attitudinal problem” will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka — over time. Just remember that it is all part of “respecting his culture and his religious beliefs” — wasn’t that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember…we’ll be watching.

Good luck!

Cordially,
your friend,

Don Rumsfeld.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, March 16th, 2006 at Big Dog’s Weblog, filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through Big Dog's website the RSS 2.0 feed. You can also leave a response, or you can link this to your site using the handy link: trackback.

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